Does he need me?

Sometimes I like to analyze things…maybe over analyze things. I’m sitting here scrubbing the dining room table contemplating whether or not I really need to nurse my 7 month old through the night. He acts like it’s a matter of life and death… and I’m just trying to stay alive from sleep deprivation. He needs me too much…Then a stark contrast enters my mind. Does my 2 1/2 year old really need me at all? In his mind, it seems he doesn’t. He would go all day in a soiled diaper, eating raisins and bananas, and is highly skilled at operating the water dispenser to fill his own Dixie cup, thank you very much. He knows what tv show he wants to watch, when we need to go to the park, or what t shirt he doesn’t want to wear. The difference between he and his brother is a matter of time…time in the nicu.

I have been told the attachment issues my 7 month old is experiencing are present because he was taken away at birth to an entirely different hospital on the other side of town for ten days. It was at least 2 days before I even held him. Smelled his sweet hair…touched his skin. He was born with a keen awareness of my presence and the trauma of our separation.

Back track two and a half years to the birth of Nehemiah. Born at 24 weeks of gestation, he lived in the nicu for almost three months. The nurses were his mother… the beeping of machines lulled him to sleep. He never had the opportunity to really comprehend his need for mommy. It was about a week…maybe more when I saw him for the first time. The innocence and newness of his transition of life outside of the womb was only residue covered by layers of thick medical tape, as he was tucked safely in an incubator under bilirubin lights. It was probably a month or more before I even touched his sweet hand without gloves. To him, all that time, I could have been another nurse. But in my heart, in my being I knew better. He knew…I was mommy. I am mommy. I will always be.

Sometimes with his independence, I fear he will forget that he needs me…yes my job is to prepare him for the world and let him fly in time and it’s coming fast…all to fast. Will he ever really know? For he doesn’t know he was meant to be held in my arms… meant to be nursed at my breast. Lulled to sleep by my love songs.

Hmm…

Well, What I missed then is mine to give now. I have to teach him. I choose to give him all my love and more. I won’t have him forever. So go ahead sweetie. Fill up your dixie cup and let the water fall on the floor, cause at the end of the day, I tuck you in bed with your big Brown blanket and Mickey mouse with the chewed up nose that you refuse to sleep without. I read you the same story over and over again. Sing you the same songs and I kiss you goodnight. I am irreplaceable and I am yours-
whether you like it or not. 🙂

Yeah, these guys need me…no matter how much or little it seems. Truthfully, I’m pretty sure I need them a little more.

Motherhood

My job isn’t easy, for it requires all of me. I work overtime everyday, yet my job is never done. My role and purpose has opened my eyes to some horrible flaws in my character, yet everyday I am in awe at a new capacity to love. It breathes and expands everyday. When I want to throw a tantrum as a backlash to the attitudes and behaviors of my little ones, and give them time outs, and throw away all of their toys, I am so easily reminded of the nature of Christ. We throw tantrums, reject His good gifts, bruise him with our words and behaviors, yet instead of returning the good gifts he has so thoughtfully chosen to lavish upon us, he just saves them for a later time. A time when our eyes will be open to see that He is good. His wrath relents, for His love surpasses it. Beautiful Lord. I want to learn to parent like this. 

Resurrection Sunday!

Happy Resurrection Sunday! One thing that keeps resounding in my heart is the reminder that Christ choose to live for you today! Isn’t that is a wonderful truth. People talk about how Christ died, but today He chose to LIVE for you. Woo hoo! I hope you can rest in the peace and freedom of that reality.

The Blank Slate

As I’m writing this, tears are streaming down my cheeks. I just read the simple introduction of the blog of a friend of mine at the beginning of a new found freedom and love in Jesus and I am undone. 

For years, I’ve had these plans… these goals that in my mind would be attainable if I just worked a little harder, managed my schedule better. Always falling short. Never to succeed. Not until reading a simple excerpt full of conviction did I even think- even consider surrendering all those seemingly unattainable plans. Write a book, sing on a CD.  Publish a children’s book, lose weight, open an art gallery, open a youth camp, join the peace corps. The list goes on and on. The expectations at one time may have been God things, but the God that I serve is into doing new things. WOW. To place everything at His feet and begin again. No expectations. No plans. No deadlines or feelings of failure as I watch unattainable goals pass me around the merry-go-round of my life again and again. 

Its Blank Slate Time. Wow. The thought of it is so very liberating. No expectations. No failures. Just me and God. Amazing…There is so much freedom in that.

 

-Mel

My daily soapbox

Humanity is so oft gripped, and overcome by fear. These fears so easily prevent us from becoming and accomplishing all that we were born for. Too often, we live lives as shadows of what we could be, all the while longing for greatness that seems to never come into the clutches of our grasp… because of fear.

Now, not all fears are irrational. We come to know fear because of experiences that shape who we are and how we see everything around us. The irrationality of fear is recognized when we come to understand our true worth, potential and destiny. Your greatness, when realized, trumps all fear, making it null and void.

Within us all can be birthed or is already present a fledgling desire to thrive. Unless snuffed out or suffocated, there is also a desire to overcome… a desire to attain predestined greatness. If fear continues to rule a life, the potential of greatness inside a soul will scream to be realized everyday of your life until it is active.

The duty that you owe to yourself and to humanity is to face and eradicate your own fears so that you are able to freely walk and thrive in the greatness of your destiny. It is not your duty to emulate the destinies of others.  YOUR personal purpose was meant to be attained so that God can use your life to bless the world.

Face your fears. Kill your fears. Chase your destiny. Change the world.

Complete Mother of Two

Disclaimer: This is a post-c section rant that I need to release. My system is full of pain meds and I am exhausted. If I sound a little out of it, this is why. I can’t help it…writing is such beautiful therapy and I need it right now…plus, I ran out of chocolate. lol

I’ve never had a pregnancy without some sort of complication. As I sit here in the wake of my second c-section and 4th son to be born, I feel like I am finished. There are so many beautiful joys of the process of getting our little miracles here. For some, the journey is easier than others. 

There has been a nagging question in my mind lately- am I finished? Many mommies do not feel complete without having a clone of their own to do hair, paint nails and wear matching outfits. After birthing 4 boys (2 in heaven), I’m starting to feel like I don’t need a daughter to feel ‘complete’ as a mom.  Unfortunately for me, the pressure is all too real for me to keep trying. “You’re still young, don’t make that decision now.” “You know you gotta have your daughter.” Is what I always hear… or “the next one will be a girl.”  I have to admit, those words make me a little offended. Its not like I can choose the gender of the child that I will be having, It’s the blessing of God to welcome whatever gender I am given. For our family, boys are our blessing. 

So, I’ve been toying with this question as to whether or not I will be finished with pregnancies- especially yesterday. As I sat numbly under the effects of an epidural, a thin blue paper sheet covering a delicate dance of scalpels and incisions, the smell of my own cauterized flesh almost solidified the decision in my mind. This is never the way I wanted it to be. For the duration of my life, if pregnancies continue, they will be marked by cerclages, repeat c-sections, pelvic rest until delivery, no exercise, pre-term birth at 36-37 weeks and the frustration of jump starting milk supplies and a very painful recovery. When I look into the eyes of my sons, yes I always will decide that the journey was undeniably worth it, but I think it is a journey that I no longer want to take. 

Being a mother of two will allow me and my husband to pour into and invest in the lives of our sons. We will be in a better place financially to bless and support them in ways that our own parents were unable. We can spend the intentional time and effort needed to truly follow the heart and leading of God to craft them into wonderful well-rounded men. It has always been a desire of mine that none of my children be left behind or feel neglected. I honestly can not envision balancing more than two in order to keep this desire. 

This is not to say adoption is not an eventual option. I just think the journey of my own body birthing sweeties into the world is about over. 

My prayer:

Lord, you see my heart. You know the journey, joys and pains that child birth has brought to me.

I never desire to put you in a box, but I am so very tired. Tired of mourning, tired of pain, tired of worry. 

Ready to love, ready to smile. Ready to give the best of me, ready to celebrate my grounded family. Ready to fall deeper in love with my husband, ready to pursue my dreams. 

Ready to travel, ready to worship! Lead me in the way that I should go. Let me know your undeniable grace and peace concerning my family and your plan for me. I love you with all that I am. I need You to the very core of me. 

Thank you that you do not condemn my heart. Thank you for your loving arms that surround me. 

-Mel

Always close by.

so, I was trying to understand the nearness of God. In my experience, it has been so easy to make Him into a conditional Father, when yet He its not. The conditional nature that I envision Him to employ hangs on whether or not I open my bible or spend sacred time in prayer. He has been challenging me to understand that no matter what I do-however I go about my dealings, He its always ever so near to us. I have truly noticed a difference in my personal feelings of closeness when I spend time with Him on a regular basis. All I can equate it to is the similarity of the frequencies of a radio. sometimes the station is hazy, much like us when we don’t spend regular time with God. The more time we spend, the clearer the frequency, yet the station was always there. Before we know it we’re singing right along with Him to the tune of a beautiful upbeat melody. It is at these times that we are at our best.
Jesus is so very near to you today. If your communication with Him feels a little like static, spend some time with Him. Before you know it, you will be able to hear the beautiful song He has been singing over you all along.

Unsettled

Tonight as I pen these words, I can’t help but feel torn between two worlds. One is  the blessing of family and the regards that one must entertain to love and serve them. The other is friendship- I cannot deny the richness and strength thereof. The other is passionate love… as I am away from my husband for weeks, I feel like I have it in spades.

Searching for something meaningful

Meaning is such a profound thing. I mean, it can be found in anything, and pretty much anywhere. In the gait of a passerby, in the wind, in a city skyline or graffiti on a wall. One of the biggest depictions of meaning that I have in my head lately centers around a profession or vocation.

Its easy to think that being a homemaker is a meaningless profession. Anyone whose life has been poured into and forever changed by a loving parent in this way knows the weight of such a sacrifice. Nevertheless, I can’t help but think I should be doing more. In this desire, have I completely missed the point? Why is it so hard to see the value of raising a child or managing the home? I don’t know. All I know is that I’ve felt this way many times before.  I may have even blogged about it.

I’ve tried writing books to venture out, painting art pieces that just weren’t “Masterpiece material.” I’ve tried singing, wish I was better at dancing. I’ve tried education. In all of these, I’ve only been able to find a semblance of peace in my faith. In Jesus. Meaning portrayed through those nail scarred hands speaks volumes through my soul. When I work for that cause, I feel like I’m truly impacting the world.

So now what. Do I feel this way because I haven’t been connected to this purpose enough? Or could am I being led to some greater thing that is a part of the “grand design” of my life’s blueprint? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m tired of feeling this way.

Lord I’m here

Waiting for something new

Been waiting for years.

Waiting for you.

is it just that I’ve run

run away from you

from your plan

from the “us”

that knits me to you?

Bring me back, dear Savior.

Dare I ask you to chase?

If this is a game

please find me

in the arms of your amazing grace.

Love is what I have for you.

Be near me tonight

As I fight this feeling inside me;

end this longing plight.

The Next Big thing

I’m frustrated. I’m stuck wanting the “Next Big thing” to happen in my life. Maybe its a awesome business ideal, a multi-million dollar invention or winning a sweepstakes. It frustrates me that I equate money and joy when I see people all of the time who have tons of money and are miserable. Maybe I’m thinking about how our car could die… but I don’t remind myself enough that we got it for free. Or maybe I recall how I haven’t purchased new clothes in years ad have tons of holes in mine… at the same time I often fail to recall the person who made my tattered jeans possibly earns 9 cents a day for making them… or think about the millions of people around the world with no clothes at all. I just wish our society didn’t make you feel bad for looking less than- because for me, accepting the “less than” puts my heart at ease because today, I’d rather appear less than and give all the money that I would have spent on a shopping spree to the poor. The irony is that I have to go spend money on new jeans anyway because in my society, I can’t walk around naked.